Don't know what to call this

"The Lord works in mysterious ways..."  Except, not really.  The Lord just works in ways we don't quite understand; they're not mysterious, they're just divine.  They're purposeful, thought out, and for the better of ourselves.  He Always has the greater good in mind- for ourselves as individuals, for our families, for mankind and for the growing of the gospel.  So when I'm having a hard time, let me remember how I've been led along in life.  It's never been my ideas, my gifts or skills- it's all been my God, my Heavenly Father who knows better for me than I'll ever know for myself.  It's not a mystery how I got this life and this overpouring of blessings- it's a real recognition of His hand in my life.

One of my favorite clients was a lady who suffered from bipolar disorder (with active psychosis), depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress, and schizoaffective.  On top of that, she's a psychic medium and a complete riot.  I call her one of my favorite clients now because she isn't my client anymore.  She actually brought a lot of tears.  One time I was at her house and asked what was in the literal treasure box under her coffee table.  Her eyes lit up and she pulled out these gigantic plastic ears that fit perfectly over hers and a megaphone.  It was her garb to talk to the dead (and apparently to hear them back).  She wanted to read my future but I politely declined because I want to be surprised.  She and I got as close as we could- professional to desperately mentally ill client.  Once she made me a scarf because the one I was wearing "was ugly as sin."  Haha.

There are dozens and dozens and years and years of other experiences I've had with folks who fall into the category of having a mental disorder.  Probably none of them are actually funny except to us jaded workers. Sometimes you gotta laugh.

Years ago I changed babysitters because mine (who had become my good friend) fell into a cycle of psychosis, enough to be hospitalized for awhile.  I wasn't super comfortable having my kids exposed to it, and unsure about the future of her caregiving.   A number of other experiences led me to my neighbor and friend, who then became my children's caregiver while I worked.  With a history of severe depression and a child whose own mental health exhibited some heart breaking behaviors, frustrations, and relational problems, we had some LONG talks, shared tears, and brainstormed.  It was not a mistake having her watch my kids but I knew it wasn't going to be for the long-term.  When I got an impression to change yet again, it worked out immediately- like one prayer and phone call later.

A week or two later, I was covering Ward Council, a church meeting with all the presidents of all the auxiliaries get together to plan and discuss ward needs.  Since the stewardship falls on me when the Primary president is gone, I showed up.  Another lady who is typically not there nominated me to give a lesson on mental health to all the adults.  Panic raced through me- really.  I have given a gazillion talks, spoken at conferences, given trainings in front of hundreds of people.  I've taught adults before in church too, but this seemed really challenging.  Our great Bishop said, "Yea, I want Cassie to do it," and looked at me.  I said sure but left later feeling absolutely inadequate.  After talking to coworkers and colleagues who assured me I knew more than I gave myself credit for, and who literally cheered me on, I felt better. A little tiny bit.

I'm super insecure.

With a month to ponder and gather ideas, I was ready.  I asked a dear colleague (Elizabeth Feil- she's amazing) to teach the youth at the same time.  After all- Utah is highest in the nation for adolescent/youth suicide rates.  It's super super sad.  Anyway... on the day of (this was in July), we prayed to let the spirit guide.  This was literally minutes before.

At that moment I realized I'd forgotten to wear a bra.  What 37 year old does that?

Anyway- I talked about mental health and some of the truths behind it: that we all experience trials, that a Savior was promised, that we are infinitely more than our afflictions, that God's love is simply always there, that sometimes we just have to endure, that there is always something to be thankful for, and that Charity Never Faileth.  During my lesson my sweet Bishop's wife, Leslie Shelton, held up a sign that read, "I {heart} Cassie" and she had tears.  I just love her!

I relay this experience for a couple of reasons:

1.  The experiences we go through in life are for our own good and the good of others.  To watch people suffer (in some of my experiences, with mental health), brings about compassion and a desire to learn more, serve more, love more, understand more.  To go through my own experiences (with a body and mind smacked with depression) heightens this truth for me.

2.  The path we're led on, the people we meet, the ones that cross our paths or a minute or a day or a lifetime, is purposeful.  I wholeheartedly believe in the agency we're given: we can choose all of the time and those decisions impact our lives.  But I also wholehearted believe in a Heavenly Father who plants our paths and guides us for this purposeful life.  It isn't haphazard or random- He knows.

3.  God needs us.  He needs us to be there for each other, to learn about each other, to understand, to bring others to Him.  We do this through love.  At the end of the day, I typically think to myself that I may not have solved any problems, but there isn't a doubt that the people I interacted with knew I cared. Maybe I didn't do fantastic that day I gave the lesson, but maybe somebody heard something they needed to hear or prompted somebody to act in love or understanding.  That's how God needs us- to give each other what He wants us to have.  We help them grow and we grow ourselves.

That's the beauty of the gospel and it's quite AMAZING!

Some mental health conditions can't be healed on earth.  Thank goodness for a Savior, right?  But while we're on earth, let us not resign in a state of hopelessness.  At the very least, we can love, we can serve, we can laugh with others and we can cry with them.

Through these things and more than dozens of other experiences, I know that my God has a purpose for me.  He is not mysterious to me- He's all knowing.  He knows what I need in my life and He must know other people need me in their lives.  I love this plan, even when I don't always understand it.  So thank God for the path he leads you on; when it seems outrageous or confusing, there's a bigger picture that we don't see with earthly, narrow, blinded eyes.