COVID-19

I found this online... seemed fitting, and funny.

Coronavirus guidelines (maybe rules). You may be prosecuted for breaking these rules depending on the county and state in which you live. However, always remember that the federal government is in charge.

1. You cannot & should not leave the house for any reason, but if you have to, then you can. You are free to stay home, you are not free to leave home. So STAY HOME. But it’s important to go out sometimes.

2. Masks are not useful if you are sick, but maybe you should wear one, it can save you, but it is mandatory as well. You will definitely not get sick with a mask, but you may still die. When you do go out, which you shouldn’t, keep a social distance of 6 to 100 feet. You must be 6 feet behind the next person in a line, however, you can be right next to the person in the line right next to your line. The virus does not travel side to side.

3. Stores are closed, except those that are open. Essential employees must work, even in stores that should be closed, but have chosen to remain open. Do not lay off any employees. The federal government will pay your employees so you don’t have to lay anyone off. However, if you do or do not lay them off, you may qualify for a federal grant which you may or may not need to pay back. See Rule 1.

4. You should not go to a hospital unless you have to go there. Same applies to a doctor’s office, you should only go there in case of an emergency, provided you are not too sick. Do not leave the house if you are sick. See Rule 1.

5. This virus is deadly, but not too scary, except that it will lead to a global disaster. We can contain it unless we can’t, then we will no longer try to contain it. If you want to be tested, breathe on a celebrity or professional athlete, and then wait for them to get tested and announce the results on Twitter.

6. Gloves won't help, but they can still help. You don’t need to wear gloves unless you want to live.

7. There is no reason for shortages in the supermarkets, but there are many things missing when you go there in the evening, but not in the morning. Sometimes. Also, only at risk people should go in the morning. Lastly, do not hoard toilet paper. However, even if you aren’t a toilet paper hoarder, you may want to hoard it because other hoarders are hoarding it.

8. All borders are closed unless you need to come back into the country from a foreign country or unless you need to travel to a foreign country. After returning to your home country, quarantine for 14 days with your family. Your family can still go out, but they should choose to not go out once a day if possible.

9. The virus has no effect on children except those children it affects. Schools should be closed until the end of March, no, end of April, no, end of May, no, schools should only soft-close. Schools will offer free breakfast and lunch, except the schools which charge. Your children must be with you to get a free meal from the school, but remember to not take children with you when you go.

10. Animals are not affected, but there was a cat which tested positive in Belgium in February when no human had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there. Dogs are immune so the World Health Organization (or WHO) let the dogs out. When you choose to go for a walk, all animals must be on a leash. Pets may go outside, but you should not.

11. You will have many symptoms when you are sick, but you can also get sick without symptoms, have symptoms without being sick, or be contagious without having symptoms. Those who are not sick are spreading the virus more than those who are sick. If you are sick, quarantine yourself for 14 days. If you lose your sense of taste, you have probably had the virus before it was known to be in your country.

12. In order not to get sick, you have to eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have at home because it's better not to go out. Remember, heart disease is still killing more people per day than the virus, but there are days it does not. Lastly, please support restaurants by eating out three times per week.

13. It's better to get some fresh air, but you get glared at when you do so, and most importantly, don't go to playgrounds. Don’t sit down outside, except you can do that if you are old or pregnant, but not for too long. Do not travel the opposite direction on a one way sidewalk. If you walk passed your house, go all the way around the block. See Rule 1.

14 You can walk around with a friend but not with your family if they don't live under the same roof. You may drive with your family, but not with your friends. Lastly, do not leave your county. If you travel across state lines, you may be stopped and questioned by the state you are leaving and the state you are entering. Truck drivers are exempted from rule 14, provided they have proper documentation, unless they are in the county of their residence, then no documentation is needed. See Rule 1.

15 The virus remains active on surfaces for 2 hours, no, 6, no, 14 days. It thrives in humidity, but not necessarily. It may die in warm weather, but it may also flourish in warm weather. We will definitely see a decrease in cases during the summer, but an increase in the winter, then a possible decrease next summer. This summer we will likely not see a slowdown in the number of deaths.

16 Stay quarantined until the virus disappears and then we can achieve collective immunity which, in order to occur, we must not be quarantined. The economy should be running fully by the end of May or Fall of 2041.

Got it?

Good.

Stay healthy everyone.

And God bless America. See Rule 1.