Challenges

 I use this forum as our family journal; I write in lots of places, but this is permanent and something I print out.  Lots of my other journals aren't as organized.  So-  this is the place to write things I want to keep and remember.  This is a hard thing to write about for me but I want to remember.

Two of Micah's biggest challenges are anxiety and sleep.  These have carried with her since birth.  I can't remember a time Micah hasn't been anxious.  I've said this before that her birth experience shaped this.  After Kota was born, the doctors told both Tim and I it would be about 30 minutes between births, and there would be plenty of time to help Micah turn around since she was breach.  Three minutes later she was yanked out, feet first.  Her neck was hurt, I got less than one minute to look at her, without holding her, and she was taken up to the NICU.  I think the separation from me and from Dakota (and genetics) probably set the stage for a lot of anxiety related challenges.  While they were only separated for about five days, it was a little crazy.  It was a weird feeling to be a mom.  I was on my hospital floor room rocking a sweet and tender Dakota, only to have to leave her and go up two floors to see Micah.  Then back down again to give Dakota some attention, then back up to see Micah.  Repeat for three days.  It was weird to leave the hospital and gather up all the stuff and leave with a healthy baby, drive home, and be congratulated an inundated with a load of people who just wanted to celebrate, and have my mind remind me I had a another baby somewhere else.  I think I was only home an hour from the hospital when I turned around and drove back to see the baby that was left behind.  Repeat for a few days.  I remember not knowing how to enjoy either one of the babies at any given time because one of them was always somewhere else.  It was overwhelming.  I can't imagine how people do it when twins are separated like that for a longer time. The next several years were spent with so many challenges- financial, job loss, moving, changes in caregivers, when Tim worked in Elko and I literally wanted my life to end, three babies at a time that I couldn't handle (two that cried for years), and on and on with the stresses I didn't know how to handle.

From the day I brought Micah home, she cried whenever I was out of sight.  She cried and cried when I left her, and threw up over and over.  She cried and cried with every baby-sitter, even the ones who loved my babies more than I could.  She didn't sleep through the night as an infant or a toddler or a child.  When she hit school, her kindergarten and first grade teachers had to take her from my arms, crying (and sometimes throwing up). 

For years and years and years we've worked on sleep.  Crying when I left was hard, and nighttime equally hard.  Nothing helped Micah sleep except being right by me. As she got older, we literally tried everything to help her sleep through the night: loading her up on Benadryl, using essential oils, comfort items, static noise, energy healing, well-child checks and chiropractor visits, and on and on.  I think everyone in our family has said more prayers on Micah's sleeping challenges than on anything else.

As she's gotten older, her sleep has improved some, and the anxiety about other things has gotten worse.  Earlier this year, Micah confided in me lots of things she really worries about.  She's told me things that are really sad and hard to hear, and has cried that she doesn't want to think the thoughts she does but doesn't know how to stop.  I have shed so many tears and pleaded with God so many times to understand how to help her.

One day I shared Micah's experiences with my supervisor.  She introduced me to a colleague of hers, Dallas Earnshaw, and strongly encouraged that I go see  him.  He is the director of the Utah State Hospital but does a private practice on the side. I knew his name because my team used to have an office at the USH until we grew too big and moved, but I didn't know anything else about him.  I called him up only to find out he had a four month wait and he would try to make space.

So Micah and I spent this last summer thinking of a few things that might help her the most.  We got workbooks to do together (which I sucked at doing consistently), we explored other treatment options, we spent a lot of time together, and we came up with plans on what she can do when she's someplace away from me, even if it's a safe place with people she loves. She kept busy with karate and we spent lots of time as a family doing things we all love- camping, lake time, hiking, family game nights, and anything else to help increase her feeling of security.  Plus, we just all like those things anyway, haha.

I met with Dallas yesterday to talk about what to do.  I wrote down some notes as fast as I could keep up with, but doctors talk in a way that there's no way I got all of it.  He helped me understand that it seemed like Micah's anxiety is biologic, with impairment to her neurological system.  Environmental stressors triggered it (like her birth) and the lack of sleep for the decade of her life have contributed.

It was pretty interesting that what he explained was so parallel (in a different way) to the health challenges I have.  Our bodies, under stress, create too much cortisol, which affects our organs and brain functioning in varied and damaging ways.  Her body and brain are in a regular response of flight or fight, which is the response triggered when the body perceives a threat (even if it isn't real).  The anxiety in her brain makes assumptions that she'll be hurt (or others she feels will be hurt), so it will find things in life to be afraid of.  Some of the things Micah is afraid of has included the dark, going somewhere by herself, that I will die, storms, dolls, and lots of other things.  I can't believe all the times in her life I've told her it was ridiculous to be afraid of those things- I started crying when I thought of the things I've said to her that I thought would be helpful, but probably just contributed to it.  My reassurance to her all of the time that things are fine didn't help because her brain was literally sending responses to all the other parts of her body that things aren't fine.  

My doctor has told me almost word for word what this doctor said about the ways our organs, brain, and responses happen with certain triggers and experiences.  I believe hard core in the connection between our bodies, minds, hearts, and spirits, and it makes sense to me.  This doctor explained Micah need a period of wellness for a time in order to heal, that her brain needs the ability and time of reprieve, and to ease into a parasympathetic response instead of being on guard all of the time.  He recognizes the healing power behind sleep and agreed it needed to be addressed or it won't get better.  He explained that as she got older, without help, that most likely she'd look for other ways to feel better.  

Do you know how many children and youth I've worked with who have looked for ways to feel better from their own challenges?  Hundreds.  Know what kids do to feel better?  Scary things.

So, today I fall into gratitude for the people in my life that I'm lead to in order to help us live the best experience while here on earth.  I'm grateful for doctors, for people who have studied to understand the connection between bodies and minds, between heaven and earth.  I'm grateful for new things to try, for tears shed that have helped me become compassionate to others and their struggles.  I'm grateful for a Savior who already knows exactly how Micah feels, when nobody else could come even close to understanding. I sure love this cute gal.  I love all my cute girls, and I want them all to know (and believe) how important they are to me, to Tim, to our whole family, and to Heavenly Father.