Micah Moo

 

One day I came home from work and Micah had taken EVERYTHING from her room and piled it in the middle of her floor so she and Dakota could switch rooms.  I'm quite proud of myself for not freaking out or raising my voice. Instead, we went through the gigantic pile (which included every article of clothing, every drawer, cubby, shelf, closet space, under the bed, etc. etc.) and decided what to keep and where to put things. We did not switch rooms. The highlight of the 7 hour project was this note I found. She'd written it to Dakota during the last week of their 5th grade school year. It highlights everything Micah is: funny (without trying to be), thoughtful, considerate, strengths-based, and sensitivity to others needs. I love everything about it.

We're working hard to figure out how to help Micah best with the things she struggles with. She's a nervous wreck about school starting again, so anxiety is elevated. Headaches are coming back and she's sleeping more during the day and not so great at night. Pretty much she worries about almost everything. It's a little exhausting and I try hard to never dismiss or minimize what she's feeling. Sometimes I want to just say, "OH MY YOU'RE FINE!" But I know how unhelpful and unsupportive that feels to anyone who is struggling.  So instead I hug her a lot and tell her drinking water might help. What else do you say?  :)

When I go to work and she's home, I gets lots of calls and lots of sad texts.  It's rough some days. I try to help her remember there's something good in each day and she honestly has a hard time seeing it.  

In all seriousness, I'm doing more than telling her to drink water and find something good in the day.

Her blood tests came back and we found out a few things- she's hypoglycemic, for one. She struggled with blood sugar at birth and was in the NICU for it. For the life of me I wish I would have followed that the last 11 years; if I could do it over, I'd do better. 

 Low blood sugar is related to a whole bunch of things- like anxiety. Her prescriber says things like, "Most girls with anxiety have low blood sugar because they wake up just trying to survive the day, not take care of their bodies and eat." And her medical doctor says things like, "It's the other way around- most girls with low blood sugar have anxiety because...." They don't think they're saying the same thing, but they are. The connection is all the same, right?  So I'm teaching her to eat when she wakes up and eat every couple of hours all day long, and not fuel with crap. 

I'm meeting with school social workers and the psychologist to help create a back to school transition plan. I think every school year since kindergarten we've struggled with back to school. When she was really little, her teacher had to literally pry her out of my arms while she was screaming her head off and I had to run away crying. Every day. As she got older, it got a little easier.  This last year, every single morning, getting her to school was hard- she didn't want to go, worried about me all morning, found reasons she shouldn't go, asked to stay home, asked to be home schooled, asked if I could check her out early. Boy, it's not easy.  I'm hoping to find a good plan to help ease her into this new year.

And, I had her tested for a bunch of food that interacts with her nervous system and stress response hormones and found out a few foods that will cause problems. It's caused more stress in me thinking about all the ways she's going to have to learn how to heal and feed her body. I was telling her doctor how nervous I was because it's so hard to choose good all of the time, and said, "It's hard when you're 11 and there's parties, school treats, family time, etc. etc." and he said, "It's hard when you're 11, and when you're 40, and when you're 99. It's always hard." So there's that. We know it's hard, so maybe knowing that will make it easier? I doubt it, but we're going to try.

I sure love my kids. I have all these emotions about the parent I am. I don't give the other two near enough attention. I feel like I'm always shortchanging all three of them because my work eats away at all my time. I barely balance my own needs, the needs of my family, the needs of my home, and all the other things that chew at me.  Sometimes I have to give myself therapy on the way home from work and I say to myself: "Today was rough, but tomorrow won't be. Today was stressful and overwhelming, and today you are tired, but tomorrow is a new start and you'll be okay." Hahaha, it's pretty funny. But also, I really do that.