Let me just say

 Let me just say this is going to be long. I need somewhere to document this and there's a lot I think I want to remember.  

I've been working on my health for years; this year I decided to work on my mental health. I believe deeply in the connection between a body, mind, and spirit.  I was triggered a few months ago and decided I wasn't above healing myself and getting rid of the weight of the things I carry around emotionally.  So I [bravely] found a therapist. His name is Ryan.  He's cool. 

The first session was just talk about who I am. Three things he said: "Are you ADHD?" and "Are you sure you're not ADHD?" and "So is there a family history of ADHD?"  No, man, I'm just neurotic, have my hands in a lot of places, carry a lot, and likely have extremely high functioning anxiety. He agreed and also diagnosed me with PTSD. 😬 😮 

He then asked me: So do you know who you are without all this? Do you know who you are outside of carrying [pain] or [guilt] or [fill in the blank].  I mean, I know I'm a daughter of God. My head knows it at least, and I want to believe I understand what this means. I know I do some genuine good in the world. But I also know the deeper thoughts about myself- I'm not good enough, I don't do enough, I'm not of value, I can't rest because if I stop then I'm lazy [worthless], I'll be spending my life trying to do good to convince myself I'm of worth, and, ultimately, I feel powerless over these beliefs that feel as heavy as cement.  It's a hard [brave] place to admit I'm that vulnerable.

Then he gave me an assignment to write down hard things in my life and intrusive thoughts.

It was pretty awful.

I didn't think I had a lot of really hard things, but I guess they add up, and little things have stuck around and influenced beliefs about myself.  And a few traumas I pass off as no big deal but actually they're fairly deep rooted. 

So the assignment was hard. I cried every time I tried to do it. But I did it. Mostly.

The next week we started EMDR. It's like magic, and I don't believe in magic, but that's what it's like.  It uses bilateral stimulation to reprocess a traumatic memory and take the emotional value of it out. So the memory is there, but not the power, rush, force, and emotional movement of it.

The first week was hard. I had a low-key headache for a day. The second week was probably the worst; I actually had my first and hopefully my last little panic attack. It was not fun. By the end of the session, though, I was completely calm, and good. Actually, really good. I went straight to a karate meeting and nobody there had any idea I had literally run out of oxygen forty minutes earlier. That is magic.

We talked about TBIs and other head injuries and the impact they have on mental health.  It's been twenty five years since I nearly died, and while my body healed, my head didn't.  I made dumb mistakes and I thought it was because I was dumb. While I believe in accountability, I also believe and am starting to understand I was a little broken. Twenty five years later we know more about the brain, and twenty five years ago we all did the best we could. 

Fast forward to this afternoon. After waiting months to get in, I saw a female hormone doctor today. Her name is Esme. She called me her "little friend" four times, and "darling." I just met her and already love her. She's very kind. And she said something that is pretty interesting... "So you had a TBI? You could have died, this is a big deal. Where did you get hit?" I explained where I got hit, which side of my head, and she reviewed by symptoms (anxiety, continued hair loss, close to diabetic/insulin resistant, memory problems, continued weight gain no matter what, and on and on) and said, "Well you're a classic text book."  Then she explained that when people get a head injury, the pituitary gland in their brains gets a pretty big impact.  This gland is in charge of so many hormone functions and the onset of dysfunction doesn't manifest for around TEN YEARS AFTER the TBI.  Ten-ish years after the TBI is when I was married and pregnant, and the cascade of health struggles for almost all of my married life. Hormone problems also affect a number of things, such as BRAIN HEALTH. 

Isn't that wild?

When I told her I couldn't walk on my feet first thing in the morning because they hurt so bad, and when I crawled into bed at night my feet literally pulse and throb, she said, "Well, yeah, friend, it's because your cortisol levels are really low at night..." AND you know what... some trauma lives in the feet.  The body really does keep the score (THIS is a good book).

I know it doesn't take away any responsibility for my health.   But do you know what it does mean? Both the enlightenment from Ryan and Esme? That I'm not weak, that I am worthy and capable of healing and growth, that I am of worth, that my health isn't a punishment of wrongdoing in my life, that I was broken and maybe still am broken but not because of anything I've done. That I don't have to try so hard to be [fill in the blank].  And it helps me to start challenging other really stuck beliefs about myself. It's easier to write about this reversal than actually live it and think it, but at least seeds are being planted.

It's coming at a good time. I start a new position at work in a few days, and the last week has been a whirlwind.  I've been flooded with messages, cards, emails, phone calls, and letters from people. Someone I've known three months told me she didn't know why she felt so connected to me and that my influence for good was strong, and she didn't know what she'd do when I left our team. A grandma asked me to continue seeing her grandson as his therapist because I've changed his life. My boss from three years ago said people will fall all over to work with me in my new position. I'm not bragging- I'm saying that I get things like this and I can't believe it. I have felt so weak and worthless for a long, long time. I crave that validation (especially notes- please send me all the words, haha) and  at the same time  I'm worried maybe people are going to find out I'm a fake and don't know what I'm doing... 

But actually... maybe they see something in me that I just can't see in myself. Yet. 

Maybe my years of weakness in seeing divinity in myself (not actually being worthless), gave me gifts and strengths in other areas, like humility, compassion.

Is this what God means when He says, "By small and simple means..."?

Maybe I'll be great? Maybe I'm already great?

That is like lifting my sore feet out of cement, a little bit at a time. 

And while I slowly lift my feet out of concrete, I'll be crocheting, which is a little needed rest while I heal a bit.  One row at a time; it's coming along, and I am too!