Health

 Tim: "Don't talk about my health on the blog."

Me: "Can I just say it's a roller coaster?"

Tim: "Okay say that."

So there it is, and I'll talk about my health instead.

What a journey it is.

Things I thought 20 years ago aren't true about my body.

Things I put all my time and effort into 6-8 years ago unknowingly set me back because they were too strenuous.

Stress from my car accident and everything moving forward had a direct and damaging impact on my body, especially as it's gotten older.

Some things I've tried have helped; like doing my own research and finding the right doctors.

My biggest health challenges are all hormone related, and by hormone related I mean insulin related.  That little hormone is a life-saver and a life killer.

Did you know that insulin challenges are going on internally a DECADE before manifesting externally? That means that 10 years before I was pregnant with Copper and got gestational diabetes, my insides were struggling to regulate not just blood sugar levels but insulin levels.  

 Ten years before I had Copper I literally died in a car accident; this single trauma event did quite the number. From then moving forward, my insulin sensitivity started reducing from internal stress, and for the next 20+ years, my body's receptivity changed.  

I wish I had known.  After I recovered from my car accident, I think everyone thought things were good. Bones healed, life back to normal. My brain took a hit and I thought that was about it.  Wrong! So many things were stressed out internally.  Thirty years of rising cortisol that I didn't  understand, and thirty years of my body trying to heal.  My insulin levels have slowly risen and my body's ability to use it correctly has slowly fallen.  When your body doesn't use insulin properly, the pancreas just makes more and more of it and everything is overtaxed and working way too hard. 

I want to blame and shame my body- harsh but the truth- but I can't. It's just doing the best it can given all the factors, and I'd much rather have a living body than not.

Insulin affects every single cell in the body, and the body is a miracle. So insulin isn't a monster; but when it isn't working well, then it's noticeable in a lot of interwoven ways that are mistaken for so many other things.

I mostly found this out on my own over the last 12-18 months after doing so much research into everything I had and was experiencing.  My primary care doctor said I was "just getting old really young," or something like that.  But I was post menopausal in my early 40s, struggling to lose weight despite decent lifestyle changes and so.much.effort, struggling with high blood pressure, everything metabolic, having no energy, constant fatigue, and trying like hell to hold things together.  

Yay for finding a great endocrinologist.  She's pretty cool and has helped me look at some angles I hadn't considered, at least not very seriously.  I told her I don't like prescriptions and generally won't take them.  She's incredibly supportive of natural remedies, which I like. She was quite impressed when I told her I won't take blood pressure medication and believed me (unlike my PCP) when I said after taking a year of nitric oxide over the counter, my blood pressure is manageable and in good levels.  She taught me that some of my supplements should and shouldn't be taken together, she taught me that effort is definitely part of healing but that it's much more complex than "just doing the right and healthy thing." She convinced me to try two peptides to help bring down my insulin levels. She's praised my blood sugar levels, which are near perfect (I know because I wear a continuous glucose monitor and it tells me how I'm doing 24/7).  She also convinced me to try a medication that doesn't let my blood sugar drop too low, so I've noticed a steadier line throughout my days.  The peptides are helping regulate insulin and forcing my pancreas to work correctly, but not work too hard.  She told me it's the long, slow reversal of things that have been wrong for a long time; that genetics, age, and history all have a big impact. This doctor is compassionate, a good listener, and has given me more hope in myself than I've had in a long time. I thank her every time I see her for not judging, for understanding, and for helping me.

And in other health news, I was apparently overdue for a colonoscopy so I went. Because of the peptides I'm on, and the medication for blood sugar, I had to do a longer fast. Sixty six (66) hours later I ate food.  That's a long fast. However, I discovered that after about 24-30 hours, your body doesn't trust that it will ever get food again so you stop feeling hunger.  Hahaha. But true.  It was tough because it was during our camping trip. But I did it!  The doctor who did the procedure let me know he was really glad I came in; I don't know if they just say this to everyone, but he told me they found a very large polyp that would "100% be colon cancer within five years." Yikes. So now I have to go back every three years.  Now I'm telling everyone to go. Tim said no way but I guess I'll make him.  :)

So that's where I'm at.

I almost didn't write this, but writing helps me process, and I like to record things going on in life. Sometimes looking from the outside, life seems good and perfect. But everyone struggles, and life is hard. I cry some, I feel alone, I feel misunderstood and judged; I feel scared and tired. I have felt worthless and hopeless. But... I also feel grateful. I feel strong. I feel loved. I feel joy.  

All at the same time.